The Titan Nerd Game Show Vault
by Titan Nerd 68
Summary: All of the game shows of Titan Nerd studios, the majority of which Charles Tolle does not want the world to see. Includes Jeopardy and Dare to Be Stupid, among others.
1. Dare to Be Stupid 1

**The Titan Nerd Game Show Vault**

The premise of this one is that when Charles Tolle made his agreements with the TV station, he had to reluctantly go to his vault. While he was more than happy to pull out the old tapes of the first and so far only episodes of his show _Dare to Be Stupid, _he had to get the other game shows, like _Jeopardy, _among others. This will feature two more original game shows, some other parodies of real ones, and a _Jeopardy _clip here and there. I own none of the characters or game shows I lampoon except for the Titan Nerd employees. Enjoy, my allies.

Monday, June 5, 1999

Dare to Be Stupid I

* * *

Part I

"Welcome to my game show!" an excited Charles Tolle said with a huge grin."You'll soon see the reason we call this Dare to Be Stupid. But first, give it up for "Weird Al" Yankovic and his band for playing our opening theme!"

The crowd cheered as Al and the band stood up and bowed.

"I'm really honored to be here with you, Charles," said Al.

"Can we go now?" Steve asked.

"Shut up, Steve," said Al. "We're going to watch the show."

"And I'm glad you are," said Charles. "Today's contestants are: Inuyasha from _Inuyasha_, Megaman from the _Megaman _franchise, Yamanaka Ino from _Naruto_, and May from _Pokemon_. Welcome and good luck to all three of you. You know the rules, so let's bring out..."

"You never told us the rules," said May.

"That's true," said Charles. "Okay. We're in the first round. All three of you start with $100 and you bet on whether or not the first person accepts their challenge. Each time you may bet up to your full absolute value. After we get the answer and adjust your scores as necessary, I give the choices. Complete your challenge and win $500. But if you back out of your challenge at any point, you lose that five hundred. May, you pointed that out, so you're first. Step over here please. Contestants, bet now." They paused while the contestants bet. "Okay, May, do you accept your challenge or not?"

"Yes," said May. "I am more than happy to be your guinea pig, or your toy."

"I'm dating a better actress," said Charles (he was younger, so this was back when he dated Tatsuki). "Let's see what the others said. Inuyasha said 'yes', Megaman said 'yes', and Ino said 'no'. Okay, Inuyasha bet twenty-five dollars, Megaman bet twenty dollars, and Ino bet ninety-nine dollars. Interesting. Okay, May, your choices are: eat a plate of two-week old sushi without throwing up, or drink a carton of two-week expired milk without throwing up. What's it gonna be? And remember that you lose five hundred dollars if you back out or throw up."

The audience chanted the choice they thought May should make. She stood there for a while, wondering, then she made her decision.

"I'll take the sushi," May decided. "Bring it out!"

"Bring out the sushi!" Charles called. A man came down the aisle and handed the plate of sushi to Charles, who set it in front of May. "Okay, May. Here are the chopsticks. There's no time limit, but I suggest you try to do this within two minutes. Remember, you must eat everything on the plate, and you will lose five hundred dollars should you back out or throw up. Go!"

May looked at the sushi in front of her. She picked up a piece and put it in her mouth, ignoring the blatant mold already starting to grow. She chewed carefully, hoping that she could suppress her gag reflex. She swallowed the sushi and smiled. She ate another piece, and another until she had three pieces left. It was then that her stomach started to feel it.

"Shut up," May said to her stomach. "I can keep down semen after a blowjob, I can keep down rotting sushi." She ate the last pieces and went back to her podium. "There! I did it!"

"You did it," said Charles. "You've just won five hundred dollars."

"Actually, Charles," said May, "We can just use that to help pay for your Grovyle Leaf Blade after the show."

"No, my girlfriend is giving me a [anyone who's read some previous Inside the Series stuff might know what's coming next {no pun intended}] Soul Society Sword Sharpening," said Charles. "Ino, you are our next lucky contestant. Stand over there please. Everyone else, place your bets now." Charles waited. "Okay, Ino, what is it?"

"Yes!" Ino said excitedly. "Yes, I will take the challenge, and yes, I will suck your dick!"

"Yes, you may take your challenge," said Charles, "And no, you may not suck my dick. Let's see the answers and bets: Inuyasha, yes and fifty; Megaman, no and three (interesting); and May, yes and one hundred. Okay, Ino, for five hundred dollars, you can either stick this dildo filled with ice cubes up your butt for two minutes, or you can get the marble out of this jar filled with broken glass and lemon juice. Don't back out now, though, or you lose more money."

"I won't lose," Ino said with confidence. "Give me the dildo!" She dropped her pants and bent over.

"You have to put the dildo in yourself," said Charles. "Oh, by the way, we put it in the freezer for a few days to keep the ice frozen."

Ino slid the dildo into her butt, wincing at the cold. Her teeth chattered as she watched the clock.

"Hey, Ino, chill out!" Megaman taunted. "It's only a challenge!"

"This shit's probably illegal," said Inuyasha, "But I'm participating anyway because it's fun."

"Actually, it would be unlawful," said Charles, "Because illegal is a sick bird. Ino, you have one minute left."

"I can't do it!"Ino shouted as she pulled the dildo out and threw it across the room. "Just put the real thing inside, Charles!"

"No," said Charles. "I have a girlfriend, and if I did, it would shrink as soon as it goes inside. Sorry, Ms. Yamanaka, but you lose. Pull up your pants and return to your podium."

"No, I'll play without pants," said Ino as she stepped out of her pants completely.

"Okay, well at least return to your podium," said Charles. "Megaman, you're up. Everyone, bet!" They waited. "Megaman, what's the answer?"

"Yes!" Megaman shouted. "It's my turn!"

"Okay," said Charles. "The answers and bets are: Inuyasha, no and thirty; Ino, no and four hundred ninety-eight; May, yes and seven hundred. All right, are you ready, Megaman?"

"Hell yes, Charles," Megaman said.

"Okay," said Charles. "For five hundred dollars, you can give yourself a bikini wax with duct tape, or you can stick your penis into this toaster."

"That's easy," said Megaman. "Hell no to both."

"Pity," said Charles. "Are you sure you want to lose five hundred dollars?"

"As long as my penis and pubes are safe," said Megaman.

"Okay," said Charles. "That leaves Inuyasha. Stand over there, and everyone else vote." They waited. "Okay, what will it be?"

"To your challenge," said Inuyasha, "I say yes."

"Following tonight's crowd is a good choice," said Charles. "Completing the challenge is something totally different. Okay, Megaman said yes and bet one hundred forty. Ino said no and bet nine hundred ninety-six dollars. And May said yes and bet fourteen hundred dollars. Inuyasha, your choices for five hundred dollars are to staple your finger or stick your hand in a pot of boiling water for two minutes."

"On second thought," said Inuyasha, "I'll sit this one out. It's worth losing the five hundred."

"That's all for the first round, people!" Charles said. "Stay tuned and we'll show you the second round after the break!"

* * *

Part II

"Hello," said Charles, "And welcome back to the show. Inuyasha is in third place with -$355, Megaman is in second place with -$243, Ino is in fourth place with -$1993, and May is in first place with $2800. Now then, the second round. Here, you spin that wheel and depending on the point value you get, I offer you a challenge. The points are, from lowest to highest, 100, 200, 400, 500, 800, 1 000, 1 600, 2 000, 2 500, 3 000, and 5 000. But first, we have to bet on whether or not Megaman will accept his challenge. Megaman, step over here, please. Everyone else, bet now." They waited. "Okay, Megaman, what is it?"

"Well, I feel like I should at least try something," said Megaman, "So I'll accept my challenge."

"I like the sound of that," said Charles. "Let's see what the others said: Inuyasha, no and twenty-two; Ino, no and nineteen hundred ninety-two; and May, yes and twenty-eight hundred. Okay, Megaman, spin that wheel. And this time, there's no backing out in the middle."

"Okay," said Megaman. "Hope I get a good challenge." He spun the wheel. After it rotated for a few seconds, it stopped.

"Ooh, you hit the $3 000 space," said Charles. "And the first $3 000 challenge is from Weird Al's song One More Minute, and that is to eat this plate of broken glass."

"I hope it's not for eternity," said Megaman.

"No, just until you can't do it," said Charles. "And now you can't back out, you can only fail."

"How would I fail at eating broken glass?" Megaman asked.

"If you die, vomit, or otherwise violate a rule."

"It's against the rules to die?"

"Yes, if someone dies, that's a shitload of lawsuits for me, and we just can't have that, so eat the damn glass."

Megaman looked at the glass on the plate. He saw the lemon juice still on it, so he put a piece in his mouth, instantly spitting it out as his tongue swelled.

"Theah. I attempthed ith," he said.

"Allergic to lemons or not," said Charles, "Spitting the glass out is close enough to vomiting, and you failed. Return to your podium. Inuyasha, you're next. Everyone, bet now." They waited. "Okay, Inuyasha, you will or you won't?"

"I will not," said Inuyasha. "I'm having second thoughts about signing up to play, in fact."

"Does not matter," said Charles. "Oh, by the way, you have to accept at least one challenge, and you have to leave each challenge opportunity with a change in your winnings, so I'll need you to spin the wheel."

"That's bullshit in a can," Inuyasha muttered as he spun the wheel, landing on the highest space to his dismay.

"Pity," said Charles. "Five thousand dollars you don't have lost. Now for the bets. Megaman said no and nine hundred ten. Ino said yes and three thousand nine hundred eighty-four. And May said no and fifty-six hundred dollars. Okay, Inuyasha, you're a loser, and you must take the next round's challenge. May, you're up."

"Okay," said May excitedly. "Oh, Charles, by the way, I don't like your girlfriend and I think you need a new one."

"Not you," said Charles. "Or Ino."

"Maybe these will aid your decision," said Ino as she lifted her shirt.

"These are better," said May as she lifted her shirt.

"If you think you can impress me with your breasts, you're mistaken," said Charles. "And for the record, May's are better. Bet." They waited. "May, what's the answer?"

"Fuck yes!" May said excitedly.

"Okay, Inuyasha said no, a middle finger, and five hundred. Megaman said yes and two thousand twenty-eight. And Ino said no and seventy-nine hundred sixty-eight. I might have to amend the absolute value piece. Okay, May, spin the wheel."

May excitedly spun the wheel, her smile soon becoming a frown as it stopped.

"Oh, my," said Charles, "It appears you landed on the one hundred dollar space there. Pity. But you might win it. Your challenge is to eat these brownies." The attendant brought out a plate with ten brownies. "You have to eat all ten brownies, in one bite each, and the catch is that there is a clump of shower drain hair in three of them. Enjoy."

"Fuck that," said May. "I want my frickin' money." She ate all the brownies in rapid succession, barely pausing for a breath.

"That's all ten down the gullet," said Charles. "Did you taste them?"

"Yes," said May. "Chocolate and hair together is pretty good, actually."

"Okay," said Charles. "Well, you can return to your podium. Ino, you're up. And please put your pants back on, for God's sake."

"No way!" said Ino. "Don't bother betting, I'm accepting my challenge."

"And that's why we do the betting beforehand," said Charles. "Then we tell the answer before revealing the answers. Oh well, let's take a look. As I thought, you all bet yes and doubled your scores. Okay, Ino, spin the wheel."

Ino heartily spun the wheel, landing on the five thousand dollar space.

"Okay," said Charles. "Your challenge is to eat this bowl of soup."

"Looks and smells good," said Ino as she sat down. "What's in it?"

"Mainly horse crap and poison ivy," said Charles. "Enjoy."

Ino took one spoonful of soup and stopped before she could put the spoon in her mouth. She fought the shaking feeling and put the spoon in her mouth, throwing up before she could swallow.

"Pity," said Charles. "Return to your podium. People, stay tuned for the third round of challenging."

* * *

Part III

"Welcome back to the show," said Charles. "For those of you who feel as if I am dragging something out, you're wrong! It's only the third round, then the fourth. So let's go to the third, but first, let's look at the scores. Inuyasha's gotten out of the hole, but he still needs money. Megaman has some money, at $1 820. Ino still has no money, with an impressive -$20 937. I hope that you don't play other game shows like this. And finally, May has a commanding lead of $22 600. Good job, and good luck to all of you in the third round. Now you spin the double wheel. The big one shows you your challenge and the smaller one shows how much money you'll win. Those points are doubled from the second round. I'm not listing them again. Okay, Inuyasha, you have to accept a challenge, so everyone just put down however much money you want to win."

"Dammit, I was so sure he wouldn't take this one and I already wrote it down!" Ino moaned.

"This just isn't your lucky day, is it?" Charles asked. "I'm assuming everyone else doubled their scores? Of course. Okay, Inuyasha, it's not rocket science. Spin the wheel."

Inuyasha spun. The big wheel stopped on "One More Minute" and the small wheel zipped around, stopping on $4 000.

"Okay," said Charles. "Your challenge is to slam your fingers in that door for two minutes. Just keep slamming."

"I'd better get something besides money for this bullshit," Inuyasha groaned. He went to the door and slammed his fingers over and over, until time was up, but on the last slam, his fingers fell to the floor. "Goddammit."

"Don't worry," said Charles. "You still completed the challenge, so you win. Return to your podium. Ino, you're up."

Inuyasha tried to flip Charles off, then realized that he was missing all the fingers on his left hand, so he flipped Charles off with his other hand. Ino happily bounded down.

"I'm so ready for this," she said.

"But before you say your answer, everyone must bet. Do it now." They waited. "Ino?"

"YES!" Ino shouted. "Yesyesyes!"

"I thought I told the concession stand not to give our contestants any coffee," Charles said. "Anyway, Inuyasha said yes and $4 000. Megaman said yes and $1 820. And May said yes and $90 400. Okay, Ino, spin the wheel."

Ino spun, earning the challenge of putting sixty marbles in her mouth then hold them there for two minutes without losing any by swallowing or spitting or anything else for $6 000. She shoved all the marbles in her mouth and started choking when she accidently swallowed two at once. After Charles Heimliched her, she went back to her podium.

"Fuck!" she screamed. "I can't win anything today! This sucks!"

"Not my problem," said Charles. "And for the last damn time, put your pants back on. Please. May, come on down."

May stepped out from behind her podium, but Ino tried to trip her on the way.

"Uh, Ms. Yamanaka," said Charles, "That's a five hundred dollar penalty for sabotaging another contestant. Everyone make your bets." He waited. "Okay, May?"

"Yes, I'm okay," said May, "And yes, I want to take the challenge!"

"Okay," Charles said. "I must say that I admire you and Ino's enthusiasm throughout this game. Okay, Inuyasha said yes and seven thousand. Megaman said yes and two thousand. And Ino said no and $48 372. Okay, it's official. I will establish a betting limit next game. But first, May's challenge. Are you ready?"

"Yes!" May shouted as she spun the wheel, landing the challenge of wearing fiberglass underwear for two minutes for 3 200 dollars. "Oh, that's easy."

"That's what you say now," said Charles. He handed her the underwear. "Let's see you put them on!"

May took off her pants. She winked at Charles, who did not react, and she put on the fiberglass panties, standing there for two minutes.

"Okay," said Charles. "Congrats on completing your challenge. Megaman, you're up!"

"May I thit thith one out?" Megaman asked.

"No," said Charles. "I just decided that everyone participates in the third round. Nobody bother betting. Megaman, spin the wheel."

Megaman spun the wheel, praying that he would get some challenge he could manage. He spun eating another One More Minute challenge for 800 dollars.

"How do you feel about shoving an ice pick under all ten toenails for that much money?" Charles asked. "All ten toenails while keeping your balance."

"I think I feel like I want to kill mythelfv," said Megaman as he took the ice pick Charles handed to him. He shoved it under one toenail, then another, and all the toes on his right foot, and that was when he fell over.

"So sorry," said Charles, "But that's a failure. Okay, you three, take a rest. The fourth and final round will be next, so keep it locked!"

* * *

Part IV

"Okay," Charles said in a slightly darkened studio. "Here we are for the fourth and last round. Inuyasha has $15 000 and is in second place, Megaman has $6 660, so he might be Satan, Ino has -$96 445, but she might be able to win some of that back if she answers her questions correctly, and May has $138 800, so there's no way in hell anyone will catch her unless something happens. As you can see, all three contestants are now naked and in special tubs. Add the thumbtacks!"

"I'm getting out of here," said Inuyasha before the thumbtacks poured into his tub, leaving him trapped. "Okay, I now feel very confined."

"Okay," said Charles. "Everyone is guaranteed to be asked at least three questions. There is a max of five, but if you answer three incorrectly, we pour in the salty lemon juice. I would not suggest moving much, and I think you can tell why. This is meant to distract you from the question, but they will be of about normal level. But first, I'll spin the wheel so that we know how much each question is. And you still lose money for wrong answers. If three contestants have each answered three questions incorrectly, then the last person standing can steal the money the others lost." He spun the wheel. "Ah, a nice mid-range value. 2 000 a pop. Okay, Inuyasha, name a member of the cast of SNL at any time."

"Will Sasso!" Inuyasha called. The lemon juice was poured in. "Oh, fuck!"

"Megaman, name a villain from Spider-Man."

"The Dthoker!" Megaman called. The lemon juice was poured in. "Dammit!"

"Ino, what is the average between 5 and 7?"

"Three!" Ino called. The lemon juice was poured in. "Nooo!"

"May, who wrote _Common Sense_?"

"Thomas Payne!" May called.

"Inuyasha, is a crocodile a bird or a fish?"

"Neither, it's a reptile!"

Megaman, what is Batman's real name?"

"Reed Rit-chardth-ch!" The lemon juice was poured in.

"Ino, name a magazine!"

"_The Origin of Species_!" The lemon juice was poured in.

"May, name a song by Queen."

"Under Pressure!"

"Inuyasha, name a country that fought in WWII."

"Germany!"

"Megaman, name a current or former member of Guns n Roses."

"Iththy Thradlin!"

"Ino, what is 7-2?"

"6!" The lemon juice was poured in and Ino's tank was removed from the studio.

"May, what color is a pumpkin?"

"Orange!"

"Inuyasha, name an actor who played a DC villain."

"Tommy Lee Jones!"

"Megaman, what is Usher's real name?"

"Robet Raymond!" The lemon juice was poured in and Megaman's tank was removed from the studio.

"May, who created _Garfield_?"

"Jim Davis!"

"Inuyasha, who was the original _Jeopardy _host?"

"Chuck Woolery!" The lemon juice was poured in.

"May, where is Lewis Black from?"

"Maryland!"

"And that's it!" Charles said. "Inuyasha has $17 000, Megaman has $2 660, Ino sadly owes me $102 445, and May is the winner at a whopping $148 800! Congratulations, I had fun playing with you all, and I mean that in as non-sexual a way as possible."

"Wait, why do I owe you the money I didn't win?" asked Ino. "That wasn't in the waiver."

"Next time, read the fine print," said Charles. "I need money to give to contestants, as well as to refurnish my home, my studio, and to buy the supplies we need for this game. Our logistics department will help you and May through it so that she gets the money she won and you pay the money you owe. Now everyone get out of here, we have to tape the next episode."

* * *

Yeah, I know it's long. I'll put up another four of these, but I'll do what I can to shorten them. As for the next game, it could be any game from any time period.


	2. Weakest Link 1

**The Titan Nerd Game Show Vault**

The premise of this one is that when Charles Tolle made his agreements with the TV station, he had to reluctantly go to his vault. While he was more than happy to pull out the old tapes of the first and so far only episodes of his show _Dare to Be Stupid, _he had to get the other game shows, like _Jeopardy, _among others. This will feature two more original game shows, some other parodies of real ones, and a _Jeopardy _clip here and there. I own none of the characters or game shows I lampoon except for the Titan Nerd employees. Enjoy, my allies.

Recorded live on Monday, January 19, 2009

Weakest Link I

* * *

Part I

"And welcome to the Weakest Link!" Charles announced before his smile leaped to its death off of his face. "Okay, our first game show, which was my favorite was a flop. Our second game show, which I did not like as much was also a flop. And our current main game show is a success, but I hate it. Oh, well, the sooner I begin this piece of shit, the sooner it's over. Welcome to an idea spawned from our current game show. If you're watching this, I presume you've seen the original _Weakest Link, _so I won't tell you how the game works. We're playing with six anime character-actors who are raising money for charities. And because I am not the devil like Anne Robinson, the losing characters will win a dollar for their charities. I don't know who they are yet, so let's hope they're some of the smarter characters. State your name, series, and charity."

"Captain Kuchiki Byakuya from _Bleach_, playing for Make a Wish Foundation."

"Higurashi Kagome from _Inuyasha_, playing for WWE."

"Wait, wait, wait," said Charles. "That's the wrestling organization. Don't you mean WWF, the World Wildlife Federation?"

"No," said Kagome. "I'm playing for WWE."

"Okay," said Charles. "Continue."

"Shindo Hikaru from _Hikaru no Go_, playing for Finding a Cure."

"002 from _Cyborg 009, _playing for Everyone in the World against AIDS."

"Hold it," said Charles. "Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. What the hell is he doing here? Honestly, what the hell is he doing here? I reluctantly agreed to host this, but I know I told the guards not to admit him, Ash, L, or Kame Sen'nin for any reason. How'd you get in here?"

"I walked in the door," said 002. "You know, seeing as this isn't Jeopardy, you should give me a fair chance here. Besides, you claim to be a fan of my series."

"That I am," said Charles, "But I like your character better than I like you the actor. Go fuck your mother."

"My mother is dead," said 002.

"I don't give a rat's ass. Moving on..."

"Miss Doublefinger of _One Piece, _playing for Baroque Works."

"Uh, Miss Doublefinger, that's a criminal organization, not a charity."

"Well, we need money."

"Note to self, do not let her win. And our last person is..."

"Kuwabara Kazuma from _YuYu Hakusho_, playing for Give a Dog a Bone."

"That sounds like a nice charity, finding homes for dogs, I presume?"

"Yes," said Kuwabara. "By the way, how hard are the questions?"

"They're about the same level as Jeopardy," said Charles, "Maybe dumbed down a bit so that you morons can get the answers! And some are open ended, meaning there is not a right or wrong answer, so if you get these questions wrong consistently, you're really fucking retarded! Put two and a half minutes on the clock, and begin! Byakuya, name something that starts with the letter R!"

"Uh...," Byakuya began, "I don't know."

"Then you're an idiot," Charles responded. "Kagome, spell DMV."

"Y-O-P?"

"No, DMV, you dumb girl. Hikaru..."

"Pass."

"You pass? I haven't even read you the question."

"Don't want to risk it and look like an idiot."

"Wow. 002..."

"Bank."

"You know there's no money to bank. 002, what F. Scott Fitzgerald book is about the great man named Gatsby?"

"That would be..."

"You don't have all night."

"Don't rush me."

"You know what, fuck you. Miss Doublefinger..."

"Rattlesnakes!"

"I didn't ask the question."

"Sorry."

"What color is an orange?"

"Blue, right?"

"No, they're purple."

"Dammit, that was my backup answer!"

"And that was my backup sarcasm. Kuwabara, how many sides on a rectangle?"

"Two."

"No, four. Byakuya, name a movie with Sean Connery."

"_Man of the Year."_

"No. Kagome, name any round object."

"A square."

"No. Hikaru, is an eggplant a vegetable? The answer is yes."

"No. You think I'll fall for that reverse psychology?"

"No, I was telling you the answer. 002..."

"Bank."

"Stop banking, there's no money to bank. Name a country in Africa."

"Europe."

"No, that's a continent. You know what, just stop the clock right now." He took a deep breath, trying hard to control his rising anger. "Okay, in the time we had, you banked a stunning 0. Why the fuck am I not surprised. All right, now vote someone off, and make it quick."

_"Statistically, all six contestants sucked. But it's votes that count. Hopefully 002 will remain, because he's really funny._"

"I heard that, Greg," said Charles. "I don't care who it is, but one of you will leave and your charity will only get a dollar. Show me your votes."

"Miss Doublefinger," said Byakuya.

"What is that?" Charles asked Kagome.

"It's a lollipop."

"Wow. Hikaru, who did you vote off?"

"No one. I can't read or write."

"I suspected as much. 002, you probably did something obnoxious, so I'm skipping over you."

"You should be fair to all," said 002. "I might have written a name down."

"Only because I should be fair," said Charles. "Okay, nobody here is named middle finger. Miss Doublefinger, it appears you crossed out whatever name you were in the process of writing and drew a middle finger pointing at Byakuya."

"And here are two real ones for him." She flipped Byakuya the bird on both hands.

"Wonderful. And Kuwabara you wrote down 'anyone but me'. Well, I figured I would probably have to cast the final vote, so I already have you in the order I want to get rid of you, and surprisingly, 002 is not at the top of the list. Miss Doublefinger, you are the weakest link. Get the fuck out of here."

"Charles can go fuck himself," Miss Doublefinger said. "Honestly, I'm going to kill him tonight. Once I find out where he lives."

"One moronic pile of shit gone," said Charles. "Five moronic piles of shit left. Let's play, and let's hope I don't have a sudden urge to shoot myself in the head. Put two minutes on the clock. And begin! Kuwabara, what sound does a cat make?"

"Cluck. I mean..."

"It doesn't matter, the second one was probably also wrong. Byakuya, what is Jerry Seinfeld's name?"

"..."

"It's not hard."

"Ha!" 002 laughed. "You said hard!"

"002, shut the fuck up before I stick my foot up your ass."

"How about you stick your fist up my ass instead."

"That is awful. Fuck Byakuya. Kagome, where is South Africa located?"

"I don't think that place exists."

"Neither does your brain. Hikaru, what is the opposite of right?"

"...Pass."

"And passing made you look retarded. 002..."

"Bank."

"Don't bother, you have no fucking money. Great, I just forgot what question we were on."

"Who was the first pres of the US of A?"

"Okay, who was it?"

"Wanton D. Cox."

"Who the hell is that?"

"Who the hell is who?"

"Who the hell is Wanton D. Cox?"

"Sounds like you are."

"Go fuck yourself! Kuwabara...never mind that. Out of a potential $2 000, once again, you banked an impressive zero. Decide which of you fuck-ups is the most fucked up and vote off the weakest link!"

_"Once again, all five contestants blew. Me. Just kidding. But seriously, Hikaru blew the worst. Kagome blew the best."_

"Greg, stop making jokes up there. Show me who you voted off."

"Hikaru," said Byakuya.

"Hikaru," said Kagome.

"I'm illiterate," said Hikaru.

"Hikaru," said 002.

"Byakuya," said Kuwabara.

"Interesting," said Charles. "Kuwabara, why Byakuya instead of Hikaru?"

"Personally, I dislike both, so I flipped a coin."

"Well, Kuwabara, I don't care for you either," said Byakuya.

"Your problem is that your face is number than Orlando Bloom's."

"Unlike Bloom, I can change my facial expression when I need to. But none of my scenes have called for it, so I'm hoping I can get a part in something else."

"It doesn't matter," said Charles. "Hikaru, you are the weakest link. Get the fuck out of here."

"I hate Tolle," said Hikaru. "He's a tool. That's his real name. Charles Tool."

"We're going to take a break," said Charles. "When we return, we will keep playing unless something happens!"

* * *

Part II

"And welcome back to The Weakest Link!" Charles said. "Because of what happened during the break, we will no longer be serving any popcorn."

"You mean poop-corn!" 002 laughed.

"Exactly," said Charles. "Out of a possible $4 000, our contestants have surprisingly banked nothing. We'll start the second round now. Put a minute and a half on the clock, and let us play...the Weakest Link! Byakuya, what day is it today?"

"...Tuesday."

"No, Monday. Kagome, where is Mexico City?"

"Where is Mexico City?"

"That's what I asked you."

"No, I've never heard of Mexico City. Is that a real place?"

"Forget it. 002..."

"Bank."

"Stop banking! Name an object you'd likely find in a kitchen."

"Hmmm, given how many items are these days, it would be hard to come up with a wrong answer, so I'll go for an emasculating insult."

"No, you won't. Kuwabara..."

"Nice vagina, Charles!" 002 called.

"Shut up, ass-fuck. Kuwabara, what color is a blue whale?"

"I think they're...uh...pass."

"Fine. Byakuya..."

"I have a question for you Charles."

"That's it, stop the clock."

"It's not worth stopping the clock over."

"It is for me. What the fuck do you want to ask me?"

"Do you believe in evolution?"

Charles looked at the camera. He took a deep breath, then threw his cue cards up.

"I stopped the game because one of the idiots playing this goddamn game wanted to ask me about evolution. EVOLUTION! That's it! Byakuya, I'm just going to throw your ass out now! Just get the hell out of my studio!"

"I have no comment on it," said Byakuya, "Because I know who Charles's eleventh grade physics teacher is, and Charles has as much authority here as that man did at his school."

"We'll return," said Charles, "After I consider putting a knife in my head."

* * *

Part III

"Welcome back," said Charles. "Once again, I would like to remind our viewers that this show is NOT family friendly. As you may have expected, no money has been banked. I'm now going to talk to the contestants a bit. Kagome. I do want you to know that unlike the others who have been eliminated, you won't win anything. I don't support WWE."

"That's biased, Charles."

"I know. At this point, everyone knows that I don't do these games fairly because the majority of the contestants are idiots. Kuwabara. While I think I like your charity best, you seriously need to win some money."

"But 002 will bank it."

"The bank only goes to whoever wins the game. He's not trying to win. And lastly, Asshole Boy."

"You know, Charles, I don't get why you always say this network is family friendly and you hardly say anything nice to anyone."

"I try to run a family friendly environment. People say what they say here and it's just the same as what they say in the world, and the world is a place that is cruel. Evil. Disgusting. The world is a vampire sent to drain...oh, I thought we were singing. Okay, let's get back to the game so that it's over. Put a minute on the clock and begin! Kagome, what color is purple?"

"I don't know."

"Pa. The. Tic. 002, I'm not asking you anything."

"A stapler."

"I said I'm not asking you a goddamn thing. Kuwabara, name a country involved in the Franco-Prussian War."

"Italy? No, Finland!"

"Both were wrong. Kagome..."

"Bank!" 002 called.

"Arrgh! Kagome, what kind of cheese comes from Switzerland?"

"French toast?"

"Did someone pay you to come up with that answer?"

"Yes."

"Okay, stop the clock." Charles looked at all the contestants. "I quit. Seriously, I quit." He tore up his cue cards and left the studio. He then came back to take Kagome away. "You're not winning anything, and I don't even want to do something nasty to you. The other two can fight or something."

"Let's decide this with Guitar Hero!" suggested 002. He and Kuwabara then spent the remainder of the show trying to survive on Hot for Teacher on expert.

* * *

I have no idea if I'll continue this one. It's pretty bad.


End file.
